Reconciling...

I just read a post from the blog of a sweet woman who is dying of cancer. I don't know her whole story, don't know how long she's battled the beast, but I do know she is dying and she is leaving behind a husband and three small boys. I also read a post from the blog of another mama, the mama of a little girl, who is battling cancer; her battle is hard and she is fighting fiercely, and things do not look good... I go in for a CT scan on Tuesday. It's been six months since my last scan, so my doctor feels it is time. I cannot begin to express the range of emotions I feel. I feel strong, really, really strong, and hopeful; and at times I feel afraid and uncertain, really, really uncertain. I met with a gynecological oncologist. My medical oncologist feels I need to have my ovaries removed, to keep my body from making estrogen. One of the drivers of the breast cancer I have is estrogen. I am on a medication that is supposed to block estrogen from being made in my body, but it has not. The gyn-onc doctor said my ovaries are survivors, just like I am. (I love her for saying that!) Like I said, I feel strong, like healing has and is taking place in my body and it is as though my body is simply doing what it knows to do IN SPITE of the beast. I don't know how to reconcile the reality of what cancer does in the lives of so many and the reality of the healing that has taken place in my body and the continued healing I feel is taking place. I don't know how to reconcile the incredible hope I have that I will bear fruit in my old age with the reality that my doctor says 'a few' with my diagnosis make it to five years. Yet, whatever may come, truly, WHATEVER may come, complete healing, or something else, I know my God is good and He is faithful. And, because of this, because of His grace, it truly is well with my soul.

Life Updates

How do you begin blogging again when it feels as though too much of life has passed? It's so hard to know where to begin and yet, I want to document all that is happening. So here we go, again. First, our fourth little one arrived ten months ago, seriously, ten months! We had an incredible birthing experience with a midwife; maybe I'll blog about it one day, but probably not. Suffice it to say, we arrived at the birthing center at about 10:15 pm and were home around 2:00 am. Charles said it was like we went through the drive-thru and came home with a 9lb 9oz baby. It wasn't exactly like that for me...ha! At any rate, he is a delight. Secondly, in July my baby sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I do not feel I can adequately express the depth of emotion her diagnosis brought. I will be honest, as she went in for her biopsy, after a mammogram and an ultrasound, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she did not have breast cancer. There was no way!! I was so very wrong...after the biopsy and a day of various body scans, she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She began chemotherapy right away and has been receiving treatments all fall. There are moments in life that define life and this is one of those. There will forever be life before my sister's diagnosis and life after. And then, in August, another such moment occurred. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Even typing those words it almost feels as though the air was knocked right out of me, again. Stage 4 breast cancer...honestly, there are days I still do not even know how to process it.

A Happier Mom...

I just read a blog post, "5 simple ways to be a happier mom today". I'd link to the post, but for whatever reason, cannot figure out how to do that this morning. Needless to say, she shared some sage advice, but as my morning seems to spiral farther downward, I'm having a hard time getting the 5 "simple" things done.

First, she suggests you just breathe...think the kids would notice if I went into my closet, well, maybe my husband's closet, as I can't get into mine, shut the door, and stayed in there for a few minutes, or 30, to breathe?

Next, she encourages you to say "I'm sorry." Yes, I have taken full advantage of that one this morning. I've apologized to each of my kids, to my daughter more than once. I almost feel as if I need to call and tell my hubby I'm sorry, just for good measure.

Third, reach out to somebody who lifts you up...Paula, are you almost done homeschooling your kids this morning. I need you!!!

Fourth, do something that relaxes you. She actually suggests taking a bath or walking around a bookstore or something. We only have one tub, and quite honestly, it was made for children or itty-bitty skinny people, of which, I am neither. AND, the way I am acting, I think a trip to the bookstore would result in tears, for all of us, and maybe a tantrum or two, and I have been trying to refrain from throwing tantrums in public. Why oh why doesn't Starbucks deliver?!

Last, and at this point, maybe the only plausible thing, reconnect with your kids. I guess I'll try it and go ahead and join them on the picnic they are having in the boys' room. I'm hoping it works, but, if perchance you can't get a hold of me, look for me in the closet...

The Beauty of Christ

A friend sent this my way...I love it.

Mary's Song
by Lucy Shaw

Blue homespun and the bend of my breast
keep warm this small hot naked star
fallen to my arms. (Rest ...
you who have had so far
to come.) Now nearness satisfies
the body of God sweetly. Quiet he lies
whose vigour hurled
a universe. He sleeps
whose eyelids have not closed before.
His breath (so slight it seems
no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps
to sprout a world.
Charmed by dove's voices, the whisper of straw,
he dreams,
hearing no music from his other spheres.
Breath, mouth, ears, eyes
he is curtailed
who overflowed all skies,
all years.
Older than eternity, now he
is new. Now native to earth as I am, nailed
to my poor planet, caught that I might be free,
blind in my womb to know my darkness ended,
brought to this birth
for me to be new-born,
and for him to see me mended
I must see him torn.

Doing the thing...

I've been struggling with doing the thing. You know, the living life well thing? I feel as though my life is in a perpetual state of chaos. Ughhhhh...

So, I am asking God to bring order into my life. There are a few things I really long to do well and I am asking Him to help me prioritize. I know He is faithful.

1) I want to really seek Him and know Him, you know, the Creator, our Everlasting Father, our Provider, the Prince of Peace, the Ancient One, you know, that One? I want to know Him...

2) I want to glorify Him...not as an act of show, not to please Him, but because He is worthy.

3) I want to hide His Word in my heart AND I want His Spirit to begin to instill in the hearts of my kiddos a love for His Word as they begin to hide it in their hearts as well.

4) I long for my home to be a place of refuge, a sanctuary, a place where people experience the presence of the Holy Spirit and can rest. I long for that for my husband, our children, the people we have into our home, me...

5) I want to live more simply. Yes, I mean, stuff and activities, and whatever it takes.

6) I want to sacrificially love people...even more than I love myself.

7) I want to laugh. Every.single.day.

Getting Motivated...

So, a few of the items on my list of things I'd love to do are the following...

1) Make matching pajamas for the family for Christmas. Seriously, can we say, "Cheese!!!"? Regardless, I think it would be fun and if I don't get on the ball, my boys will be old enough to say, "No way, Mom, we ARE NOT wearing matching Christmas tree jammies!".

2) Cut, roll and hot glue pages from books to make dozens and dozens of flowers that will adorn a wreath form. The finished wreath would be so, so cute! Think the hubby would mind cutting and hot gluing while we vegged on the couch in the evenings??? Hmm...

3) Applique Christmas dishtowels for, well, for Christmas. I saw some of the cutest for sale for $21 each. No, that is NOT a typo, $21, EACH. Dollar store, here I come. I can buy two flour sack thingies for $1 and some fun Christmas fabric with a 50% off coupon and voila, darling dishtowels. If you get some as a gift, act surprised!

4) Embroider and applique some onesies for the blessed abundance of new babies in my life...mary,ian,olivia,eve,micah,brooke,benjamin,ariana. For a couple of those sweet baby girls I want to do tutus and Christmas onesies. Adorable!

5) Sew a silky blanket for my baby. His brother and sister both have two, in case one needs washed of course, and he only has one. Poor little guy has to cozy a chew toy with a silky corner if his is in the wash.

6) Make wool dryer balls, for me, Mom, and my sister-in-law.

7) Read my book club book before the afternoon of book club...

8) Get up out of this chair so I can feed my children, finish the mountains of laundry, iron clothes for the love of my life, empty the trash, feed my children again, pack for a trip...well, those are things I have to do, rather than want to do, but I'd best get moving on them, or the other will always only be a dream.

Midnight Musings...

It's midnight...I should be in bed, but my mind doesn't seem to want to shut down.

My hubby graduates from seminary with his Master of Divinity in five weeks. Seriously, in just five short weeks, we will be done. The last three and a half years have been hard, really, really hard. But, our God is faithful and I know He will redeem the time.

A dear friend from high school just brought home two precious babies from Uganda. Two.precious.babies. I cannot even begin to express what their journey has done to my heart.

An old friend and his family serve with Samaritan's Purse in Kenya. For the last several months he has been flying both people and supplies to a refugee camp on the border of Sudan. (I knew him while I lived in Nicaragua, where he flew flies. That is another story for another day...) I cannot even begin to express what the story of these Sudanese refugees has done to my heart.

I follow the blogs of a couple of women who are in Ecuador on a Compassion Blogging trip. They have shared such beautiful stories of the children in Ecuador, children whose lives have been forever changed by the love of Jesus, because He has honored the faithfulness of Compassion International and the folks who have determined to partner with Compassion through sponsorship. I cannot even begin to express what the pictures the bloggers have painted this past week have done to my heart.

My kiddos and I have been collecting small gifts for Operation Christmas Child for the last several weeks. Tonight we got together with some folks from church to pack our shoeboxes, wrap them, and pray over them. Over the last few weeks we have watched YouTube videos of children scouring dumps for items that can be sold so their families can survive, videos of children who have treasured gifts that they have received for years after receiving them...and I have wept. I cannot even begin to express what this opportunity for us to share with children from around the world has done to my heart.

I do not know what God has in store for us after graduation. I do not know if He will redeem the last three and a half years by granting our family the privilege of serving in an orphanage in Africa or by bringing little ones into our family through adoption. I do not know if His plan for our lives will include serving refugees on the border of Sudan or somewhere in the United States, this incredible country we live in that offers asylum to so many. Maybe He will redeem the time by pouring out our lives into the lives of children who have been devastated by poverty. I simply do not know, we do not know. But, of this one thing I am certain...I cannot even begin to express what He has done to my heart. And, I cannot wait to see what He will do.