Beautiful Day...

There are days life seems harder...

* more laundry

* dirtier floors

* more tears from the littlest one

* more bickering

* more fear

* less checked off the to-do list

* less self-control

* less patience

So, we turn on YouTube and listen to Jamie Grace and Matthew West and Toby Mac and we try to dance a little and laugh a little and hit the reset button. AND, even though it's already noon, we start over. It's a beautiful day...

What I Learned from Battling Stage 4 Breast Cancer

I was asked to do an interview for a fabulous blog...

Heart's Desire...

For almost as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a missionary...not only someone who is actively involved in telling people about Jesus here in the States, but a real-life, bonafide, living in another country, telling people who've never heard, or had the chance to hear about the vast love of my Savior, the One True God, missionary. I honestly don't even know where I first heard about missions. I don't remember when my love affair with the world, with those who've not been told, began, but it's been a part of who I am since I was a child.

I served as a missionary after college in Central America for two-years and when I returned to the United States I did so with the intention of returning, not necessarily to CA, but wherever it was that God may call me, as a career missionary. It wasn't God's timing, but I knew that eventually, I'd end up serving Him internationally. I started a career in the oil and gas industry and it seemed my door into missions would be through this professional career. And then, I met my husband. Honestly, as I got to know him and fell in love with him and began a new life with him, I still knew we would one day end up ministering Jesus to those with no easy access to Him. And then...

We've so many friends who serve as missionaries, after all, people who love missions love missionaries. I read blogs, pray over newsletters, look at pictures and hear stories and I'm so excited for what God is doing, and I'm torn, because I want to be a part. I don't know what this cancer journey is going to look like, but I know, that for this season, here is where we have to be. My heart is not completely at peace with that, not completely settled, but I'll just keep praying for God's hand to move mightily around the world. I'll keep telling my kids about our friends who are missionaries and reading them biographies about Gladys Aylward, Lydia Trasher, David Livingston, William Carey. I'll continue having a heart for the world and I'll trust that God's hand is actively involved in it all.

Reconciling...

I just read a post from the blog of a sweet woman who is dying of cancer. I don't know her whole story, don't know how long she's battled the beast, but I do know she is dying and she is leaving behind a husband and three small boys. I also read a post from the blog of another mama, the mama of a little girl, who is battling cancer; her battle is hard and she is fighting fiercely, and things do not look good... I go in for a CT scan on Tuesday. It's been six months since my last scan, so my doctor feels it is time. I cannot begin to express the range of emotions I feel. I feel strong, really, really strong, and hopeful; and at times I feel afraid and uncertain, really, really uncertain. I met with a gynecological oncologist. My medical oncologist feels I need to have my ovaries removed, to keep my body from making estrogen. One of the drivers of the breast cancer I have is estrogen. I am on a medication that is supposed to block estrogen from being made in my body, but it has not. The gyn-onc doctor said my ovaries are survivors, just like I am. (I love her for saying that!) Like I said, I feel strong, like healing has and is taking place in my body and it is as though my body is simply doing what it knows to do IN SPITE of the beast. I don't know how to reconcile the reality of what cancer does in the lives of so many and the reality of the healing that has taken place in my body and the continued healing I feel is taking place. I don't know how to reconcile the incredible hope I have that I will bear fruit in my old age with the reality that my doctor says 'a few' with my diagnosis make it to five years. Yet, whatever may come, truly, WHATEVER may come, complete healing, or something else, I know my God is good and He is faithful. And, because of this, because of His grace, it truly is well with my soul.

Life Updates

How do you begin blogging again when it feels as though too much of life has passed? It's so hard to know where to begin and yet, I want to document all that is happening. So here we go, again. First, our fourth little one arrived ten months ago, seriously, ten months! We had an incredible birthing experience with a midwife; maybe I'll blog about it one day, but probably not. Suffice it to say, we arrived at the birthing center at about 10:15 pm and were home around 2:00 am. Charles said it was like we went through the drive-thru and came home with a 9lb 9oz baby. It wasn't exactly like that for me...ha! At any rate, he is a delight. Secondly, in July my baby sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I do not feel I can adequately express the depth of emotion her diagnosis brought. I will be honest, as she went in for her biopsy, after a mammogram and an ultrasound, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she did not have breast cancer. There was no way!! I was so very wrong...after the biopsy and a day of various body scans, she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She began chemotherapy right away and has been receiving treatments all fall. There are moments in life that define life and this is one of those. There will forever be life before my sister's diagnosis and life after. And then, in August, another such moment occurred. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Even typing those words it almost feels as though the air was knocked right out of me, again. Stage 4 breast cancer...honestly, there are days I still do not even know how to process it.

A Happier Mom...

I just read a blog post, "5 simple ways to be a happier mom today". I'd link to the post, but for whatever reason, cannot figure out how to do that this morning. Needless to say, she shared some sage advice, but as my morning seems to spiral farther downward, I'm having a hard time getting the 5 "simple" things done.

First, she suggests you just breathe...think the kids would notice if I went into my closet, well, maybe my husband's closet, as I can't get into mine, shut the door, and stayed in there for a few minutes, or 30, to breathe?

Next, she encourages you to say "I'm sorry." Yes, I have taken full advantage of that one this morning. I've apologized to each of my kids, to my daughter more than once. I almost feel as if I need to call and tell my hubby I'm sorry, just for good measure.

Third, reach out to somebody who lifts you up...Paula, are you almost done homeschooling your kids this morning. I need you!!!

Fourth, do something that relaxes you. She actually suggests taking a bath or walking around a bookstore or something. We only have one tub, and quite honestly, it was made for children or itty-bitty skinny people, of which, I am neither. AND, the way I am acting, I think a trip to the bookstore would result in tears, for all of us, and maybe a tantrum or two, and I have been trying to refrain from throwing tantrums in public. Why oh why doesn't Starbucks deliver?!

Last, and at this point, maybe the only plausible thing, reconnect with your kids. I guess I'll try it and go ahead and join them on the picnic they are having in the boys' room. I'm hoping it works, but, if perchance you can't get a hold of me, look for me in the closet...

The Beauty of Christ

A friend sent this my way...I love it.

Mary's Song
by Lucy Shaw

Blue homespun and the bend of my breast
keep warm this small hot naked star
fallen to my arms. (Rest ...
you who have had so far
to come.) Now nearness satisfies
the body of God sweetly. Quiet he lies
whose vigour hurled
a universe. He sleeps
whose eyelids have not closed before.
His breath (so slight it seems
no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps
to sprout a world.
Charmed by dove's voices, the whisper of straw,
he dreams,
hearing no music from his other spheres.
Breath, mouth, ears, eyes
he is curtailed
who overflowed all skies,
all years.
Older than eternity, now he
is new. Now native to earth as I am, nailed
to my poor planet, caught that I might be free,
blind in my womb to know my darkness ended,
brought to this birth
for me to be new-born,
and for him to see me mended
I must see him torn.